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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22440508">Cure loneliness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/insibbegerest/pseuds/thebureauisclosed'>thebureauisclosed (insibbegerest)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, soft boys nerding over magic together</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:35:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,445</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22440508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/insibbegerest/pseuds/thebureauisclosed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Veth's transformation was successful and now Caleb is terrified of what will come next.</p><p>(A short story about two lonely nerdy wizards finding some comfort in each other's company.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>273</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cure loneliness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first Shadowgast fic! Hope you guys enjoy. Kudos or comments are highly appreciated &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Caleb… Might you perhaps pay me a visit today? I would like to copy the spell, if that is fine.</em>
</p><p>Caleb was sitting in his study in the Xhorhaus when he received the message. He sighed and massaged his temples. His head was bent down in a way where his nose was nearly touching the desk and his face was fully hidden behind his hair. Several opened books were laid in front of him, quill resting on an empty piece of paper, dripping ink. If somebody walked in, hopefully they would get the impression Caleb was just about to start doing research on <em>dunamagic or some other nerdy stuff, </em>as Beau would put it, and leave him alone.</p><p>Truthfully, he wasn't doing jack shit. Only pitying himself. He was thinking back to the time he had spent in prison, all the nights he and Nott had slept cuddled up to each other. Back then there was no one else, just a poor smelly wizard and a kleptomaniac goblin girl.</p><p>His traitorous mind also kept reminding him of all the times Nott would stand up for him, praise him, hug him, laugh with him. Of the tricks they had come up with. Of Nott calling him her boy, telling him he could achieve anything he set his mind to and actually believing it.</p><p>Caleb's shoulders slumped even lower. He had no right to want Nott for himself, to wish that she would choose their friendship over her family… yet he did. He hoped she would stay despite realising she shouldn't and wouldn't. He couldn't deny he was jealous and the fact that he had no romantic feelings towards Nott whatsoever was making it even more pathetic, he supposed. They were best friends and while he believed they would always love each other in some way, it was foolish of him to expect she would always stay by his side. She was a grown woman, a wife, a mother.</p><p>He wasn't her priority anymore. He wasn't anybody's priority.</p><p>Caleb did want her to be happy, of course, and whatever Nott – actually Veth now – would choose in the end, he would support her. That didn't mean if wouldn't hurt, though.</p><p>Ah, wait. Essek's message.</p><p><em>Of course, I don't have anything planned anyway, </em>Caleb replied. <em>I will be there in thirty minutes.</em></p><p><em>Wonderful, </em>said Essek's velvety voice immediately. <em>I will be looking forward to your visit. </em></p><p>Caleb raised his head and spent the next five minutes blankly staring at a random point in the wall. Then he sighed and stood up.</p>
<hr/><p>Caleb's distrust of anyone except the Nein extended to Essek as well. However, he had to admit he enjoyed spending time with the man. Essek was charming, intelligent and as eager to soak up knowledge as Caleb himself. Yesterday, as the three of them had been finishing Nott's transformation spell together, he had felt a connection he had not been used to sharing with anybody but Nott in many, many years.</p><p>There had been so many loose ends in the spell that Caleb had been unable to connect, but it had taken Essek one mere look to ascertain what exactly was wrong. Several of the ideas he had chimed up with nearly made Caleb’s jaw drop.</p><p>It didn't help that Essek was incredibly attractive, either; apparently even more so when he was focused on something that intrigued him. Immersed in transmutation equations, he had looked excited and carefree in a way Caleb had not seen on him before. He would bite down on his lip while pondering something, then his whole face would light up and he would shout out the solution proudly. And each time he had turned his head to Caleb, eyes bright and lips curled into a soft victorious smile, it left Caleb breathless.</p><p>Essek was beautiful, there was no other way to put it.</p><p>"Caleb! Please, come on in," the drow said, gesturing for Caleb to follow him inside the building. As soon as they reached the threshold, Essek stopped floating and continued to his home on foot. He walked with his back straightened and his head held up high, but it was still noticeable Essek was several inches shorter than Caleb when not levitating. It made him smile.</p><p>As they reached the staircase, Essek stopped. "You said you had no plans today, right?"</p><p>"That's right."</p><p>"I thought…" Essek scratched the back of his neck. "Once I copy the spell, which should hopefully not take too long, we might take a look at some spell modifications that I have had difficulties finishing quite to my satisfaction. If you are not opposed."</p><p>"You want me to help you develop new spells?"</p><p>"Kind of, yes. It is nothing ground-breaking, but there are some details I seem to be unable to get right and…"</p><p>"Yes," Caleb cut in immediately. "Yes, I would love to help you with that."</p><p>Essek's responding smile made Caleb's heart skip a beat. "Good, I am happy to hear that! Now please follow me to the laboratory."</p><p>They headed to the top of the highest of the three towers Essek's abode consisted of. Caleb laid his notes down on the desk and said, "Here it is. Pardon me if some parts are hard to read, I was in a bit of a… I was writing down the ideas very fast, as if I was afraid I might forget them otherwise, although I never forget anything. Wait, that does not make sense. I…"</p><p>"You had to get it out of yourself as quickly as you could, I understand. Once an idea is born, it calls out to be shared with the world and does not want to wait. The excitement is too big," said Essek with a knowing smile.</p><p>Once again it struck Caleb how similar they were in some ways. Two wizards who were fascinated by magic, craved to learn as much about it as possible and would have gladly dedicated all their time to research had circumstances been different. Had they not been pulled into a world of war and politics and intrigue where Essek had been appointed the Shadowhand and Caleb had failed his Vollstrecker training.</p><p>Caleb realised he had been wordlessly staring at Essek for the past few seconds. He could feel his cheeks burning, quickly turned his head away and cleared his throat. "You are right. It is… it is good to speak to someone who gets it." He remembered Beau's comment on how they talked too close, then Jester's joke about Essek saying he loves Caleb. He could only hope his fascination wasn't as obvious to Essek as it had been to his friends.</p><p>"Likewise," said Essek, sat down to his desk and pushed away some books that had been laying around. Caleb peeked inside only for long enough to recognise they had been focused on conjuration magic.</p><p>Essek cracked his knuckles, reached out for the quill and hesitated. He looked up at Caleb, "I should have probably offered you tea or something to eat, shouldn't I? My apologies, if there is anything you require, please let me know. You can also borrow something to read from my collection to busy yourself before I am done with this."</p><p>However tempting the offer to peruse books from Essek's library was, Caleb could hear himself say, "Or I can help you with this. You write one half of the equations, I will do the rest. It will be faster that way and I promise I will try to make my handwriting look less shitty than in the original version."</p><p>Essek chuckled. "Well then, I accept your offer." He shifted to the side so that Caleb could pull a chair next to him and they could get down to work.</p><p>After a few minutes, Caleb noticed he had only been mechanically rewriting the symbols, not paying attention to the spell itself and instead stealing glances at Essek. The Shadowhand's brow was furrowed in concentration in a way that Caleb found endearing. He could not tear his gaze away from him.</p><p>Scheisse, no wonder Beauregard and Jester could see right through him.</p><p>"Caleb?" He was not quite used to hearing it yet, but he liked the sound of his name on Essek's tongue. "I know you had been working on this spell for a long time and I could tell how important helping your friend was to you. Forgive me if I am poking my nose into something that is not my business, but… you did not look happy once the transformation was finished."</p><p>Caleb bit the inside of his cheek. How could he explain what was going on in his head without making himself look like the selfish arsehole that he truly was? "It is a complicated matter, Essek. But I am glad it worked out, really, I would not take it back. I am grateful Veth can finally be herself again." Whatever that meant. Veth had barely spoken to any of them since the transformation, saying she needed some time alone to think. Caleb understood, but at the same time it was driving him insane. He wondered how much of his Nott was still there and how much of her was gone forever.</p><p>Essek nodded. He was trying to keep his expression neutral, but Caleb could see some worry in his eyes and it warmed him inside to know Essek was concerned about his well-being.</p><p>"You have seemed quite weary lately. Is everything alright with you?" Caleb asked. They were getting personal after all, weren't they?</p><p>"It is nothing serious, just a busy time," Essek assured him. Caleb didn't think he was being entirely honest, but he was not about to pry. "But thank you for asking."</p><p>"Of course. We are friends, remember? If there is anything bothering you, you can always ask for help."</p><p>Essek still look unused to being called someone's friend; Caleb could relate to that. While Essek had appeared aloof and overconfident when they first met him, that mask had slowly been slipping away and Caleb could see the uncertainty and loneliness underneath. However powerful, Essek was still only a man. "Thank you, Caleb. The same goes for you."</p><p>They returned to comfortable silence. Eventually, Essek rubbed his hands together and said, "It would seem we are finished! Now we can move onto some more interesting matters, if you are ready."</p><p>"More than ready."</p><p>Essek smirked and began gathering various relevant books and notes and bringing them to the desk. "Alright, so this one spell is conjuration based and I was hoping to find a way to cast it that would require fewer material components. Then there are two abjuration spells I would like to make more effective, I know I am I am on the cusp of a big discovery, but there are still some details that keep eluding me."</p><p>"Let's take a look at it then," said Caleb and clasped his hands with enthusiasm. He felt like a child presented with a long-desired toy; delving deep into magic theory was one of the few things that could keep his mind away from undesired thoughts. It was easier to shake off the fear of losing Nott and the self-depreciation that never truly left him when he was given a puzzle to solve and on top of that there was another person just as passionate about the issue as himself.</p><p>The way they worked together was more like a dance, like a piece of art. It was as though they were an extension of each other, completing each other's ideas and following the same rhythm. When Caleb finished explaining a theory he was particularly proud of, he found Essek watching him as if mesmerised and suddenly Caleb found it hard to breathe.</p><p>He was in his thirties, he should know better how to deal with this kind of stuff, but he had lost eleven years to trying to regain his sanity and he hadn't felt this way around anyone in a very long time. So here he was now, feeling like an infatuated teenager and wanting to kiss Essek so badly it was nearly causing him physical pain to stay put.</p><p>Caleb let out a shaky breath and looked away before he could do something that would be very stupid for many different reasons. Trying to stop imagining how Essek's lips would feel on his, he grabbed a piece of paper and began scribbling calculations for the conjuration spell. He hoped Essek wouldn't notice the tremble in his hand and the mistakes he was making with the numbers, because he did not think he could come up with a believable explanation to his behaviour if Essek asked.</p><p>In the end they only found a satisfying solution for one of the three problems, but that was still more than either of them had expected – modifying existing spells was no piece of cake. And as for the time they had spent on the other two spells, Caleb would never call it wasted.</p><p>"Thank you, Essek," he said when it was apparent they wouldn't get anything else done for the day.</p><p>"For what? You are the one who came to help me."</p><p>"You know this is no chore to me. I haven't felt this alive in a while… and I appreciate your company very much."</p><p>"As I appreciate yours. I have worked with other people on spell modifications before, but it was never as enjoyable as it is with you." Essek paused, his fingers fidgeting with the quill. "Magic… is a great distraction, is it not?"</p><p>"Distraction?"</p><p>Essek was subtly smiling  in that distinctive way of his, but it was less convincing than usual. He hesitated shortly before replying, "I am not happy about a lot of the things I have to do, especially since it is in the name of something I don't believe in. We spend so much time on this war, looking for new ways to kill and torture people…" He let out a laugh that did not sound amused at all. "Torture is not even effective, a prisoner in pain will often tell you anything just to make you stop. I do not like complaining, I would not be telling you all of this if I didn't think you would understand where I am coming from. It frustrates me that instead of embracing progress, too many find it easier to keep repeating the mistakes of the past. Focusing on magic means I don't have to focus on what a mess the world around me is."</p><p>Before he could think better of it, Caleb reached out and lightly placed his hand on Essek's. “That is why me and the Nein are trying to change things. The world will always be a mess I think, but if these negotiations go well, it could make a big difference.”</p><p>“For someone who has been through so much you are surprisingly hopeful.”</p><p>Caleb chuckled. “Oh, I wouldn’t call myself hopeful. But perhaps not entirely hopeless, either.”</p><p>Essek laced their fingers together and stayed quiet for a while. Caleb did not speak either and the only sound his ears registered was the heavy beating of his own heart.</p><p>To his disappointment, Essek soon withdrew his hand and stood up from his chair. “Well, I suppose our job here is done. I don’t know how about you, but my brain has reached its limit for today.”</p><p>“Ja, mine as well. It has been... rewarding, but also exhausting.”</p><p>“Shall I see you out?”</p><p>Caleb nodded reluctantly. Although it was time, he did not want to leave yet. They wouldn’t even have to work or study or speak, he would be happy to simply stay in Essek's presence. Of course that wasn’t something he could afford to just say out loud, so all he did was follow Essek down the stairs.</p><p>He wondered when would be the next time they could do this and felt a pang of sorrow in his chest. There were too many duties, too many tasks that had to be finished for the sake of his friends as well as the entire world. He was being ridiculous, Veth had not even yet made the decision to leave, but he already felt lonely and being with Essek was making things look a bit less grim. And he suspected his company had a similar effect on Essek, too. Focusing on Essek's handsome face, magnificent eyes and his wonderful mind meant that there was less capacity in his head for worrying.</p><p>He briefly amused himself by imagining young Bren finding out that one day, a Kryn Shadowhand would occupy his mind in a way only Astrid had before. The poor boy would die of heart attack.</p><p>"I hope we can do this again someday," said Essek as he waved his hand to open the door for Caleb. Of course he would not use the doorknob like any other person, Essek was not known for missing opportunities to show off.</p><p>Caleb smiled. "I hope so too. Although I must admit I am curious to know why I am the one you wish to pursue your research with. I am sure you have many experienced and more powerful spellcasters around you. I know some things, but I have not quite reached your level of expertise yet."</p><p>"I do know magicians that are very powerful, but power isn't everything, Caleb. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are resourceful, a quick thinker and as one born and raised in the Empire, you can offer a different perspective on things. Besides, you are a lot more fun to be around than all those old lunatics obsessed with the Luxon. And we make a great team, don't we?"</p><p>"Ja, I'd say we work very well together." Caleb tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "…Essek?"</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"You were honest with me about the reasons for your discontentment, so I suppose I could return that honesty." Caleb still wasn't sure how good of an idea it was to discuss personal matters with Essek, but then again Essek had been the one who opened himself to them first and more or less confessed he was tired of solitude and would be grateful for their friendship. "Nott, she… Now that the spell worked and she is back to her body, she has every reason to leave and I don't doubt that in due time she will. And that is all well and fine and it has to happen, but… I will miss her."</p><p>Essek made a soft humming noise. "I see. I don't know all the details and complexities of your situation, but you shouldn't give up so easily. With all due respect, I think she would have to be very stupid to choose to leave somebody like you behind."</p><p>Caleb couldn't stop the smile that broke across his face. "You are a flatterer, Shadowhand."</p><p>Essek smirked. "Just saying what I think, as I always do."</p><p>Caleb's mind was a busy place, always wondering and pondering. He didn't know if he would ever reach his goal, if they would manage to broker peace between the two nations or how long he could keep the ones he cared about in his life, be it Veth, the Nein or Essek. There were millions of directions life could take him, millions of discarded possibilities and realities. Too many things he wanted that he could never have.</p><p>However, there was one thing he wanted that was in his reach.</p><p>Caleb leaned in close so there was barely any distance between them. When he saw that Essek wasn't backing away or showing any signs of discomfort, Caleb caught his lips with his own. It was only supposed to be a quick peck, but the taste and softness of Essek's mouth was too much and Caleb found himself kissing him again and again and again. In a short break between two of the kisses, Essek let out a satisfied sigh and started kissing him back.</p><p>Caleb took Essek's face in his hands, heart pounding wildly against his ribs, while Essek's fingers were lightly caressing the back of his neck. It was intoxicating and he felt like he could do this forever, but eventually he pulled away. Essek was as wide-eyed and breathless as himself and it took all of Caleb's self-control not to lean back in.</p><p>Essek cleared his throat. "Well… In the light of recent events, I have to say I am very much looking forward to our next study session."</p><p>Caleb had to laugh at that, and his chest felt much lighter than it had in weeks. "So am I, Essek, So am I."</p>
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